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| Illustration: Shruti Yatam |
Dear Punjab National Bank,
It’s been a rough week. When the news broke that I had defrauded banks worth ₹3000 crore, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I broke down in my million-dollar 27-room villa in Antwerp and almost didn’t go partying that night. I wanted to sit back and weep. Firstly, because the figure was wrong (it was actually upward of ₹11,300 crore) and that was so insulting. Secondly, because everyone was saying I had run away from the country, when the truth was that I had flown away in a private jet. BTW, it took me less time to reach Belgium than it did for me to travel from my South Bombay home to the airport.
What’s really disappointed me is that after being in a steady relationship for more than seven years, you suddenly went “It’s not you, it’s me” on me, and headed to the CBI. What were you thinking? Given the CBI’s illustrious record of single-digit convictions in corruption cases over the last 50 years, you need to think closely if giving up on our relationship has been worth it?
And what a beautiful relationship it was. Everything was going right: You were making crores from the money you lent me fraudulently, and I was using that fradulent money to make more money not just for myself, but also for Piggy Chops who has been having a hard time rolling with all the Quantico jokes. We were like those cute teenage couples who had reached the “share passwords” stage of commitment, which in this world, where everyone is just DTF, is a big thing.
You don’t realise how many people you’ve hurt with this selfish behaviour. Mr Gokulnath Shetty, a perfectly lovely gentleman who had been of great help all these years, will now be rotting in jail as I binge-watch the next season of Black Mirror on Netflix. Mere LOU ke chakkar mein, unke LOUde lag gaye. Don’t you have any integrity? At least I ensured that everyone involved on my side of the fraud had flown out of the country and could not be traced!
And what did you do all this for? Money? It’s barely even a real thing, just a few SWIFT messaging codes. All it would have taken for the loan to go away was another loan, so I could pay off your previous one. As it turns out, diamonds are forever, but credit is not.
Money, dear PNB, is not everything. There is so much more to life. Have you not seen ZNMD? Trust you to make everything about money. I’m sick of this talk of money. You want more money, so do 25 other banks. Even Priyanka Chopra wants more money. Suddenly, people I have never met in my life also claim I stole their money. This has become a #MeToo movement of the financial world, and I have become its first casualty. All triggered by you, PNB. You have managed to destroy my brand faster than Salman Khan managed to destroy Vivek Oberoi’s acting career.
Now that we’ve parted ways, I can see you’ve already set your claim over half of my assets. Go ahead, PNB, break my heart, but remember that I will always LOU you.
Yours Heartbroken,
Nirav Modi
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