Nirav Modi’s Honest Letter to Punjab National Bank

Dear Punjab National Bank,

It’s been a rough week. When the news broke that I had defrauded banks worth ₹3000 crore, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I broke down in my million-dollar 27-room villa in Antwerp and almost didn’t go partying that night. I wanted to sit back and weep. Firstly, because the figure was wrong (it was actually upward of ₹11,300 crore) and that was so insulting. Secondly, because everyone was saying I had run away from the country, when the truth was that I had flown away in a private jet. BTW, it took me less time to reach Belgium than it did for me to travel from my South Bombay home to the airport.

What’s really disappointed me is that after being in a steady relationship for more than seven years, you suddenly went “It’s not you, it’s me” on me, and headed to the CBI. What were you thinking? Given the CBI’s illustrious record of single-digit convictions in corruption cases over the last 50 years, you need to think closely if giving up on our relationship has been worth it?

And what a beautiful relationship it was. Everything was going right: You were making crores from the money you lent me fraudulently, and I was using that fradulent money to make more money not just for myself, but also for Piggy Chops who has been having a hard time rolling with all the Quantico jokes. We were like those cute teenage couples who had reached the “share passwords” stage of commitment, which in this world, where everyone is just DTF, is a big thing.

You don’t realise how many people you’ve hurt with this selfish behaviour. Mr Gokulnath Shetty, a perfectly lovely gentleman who had been of great help all these years, will now be rotting in jail as I binge-watch the next season of Black Mirror on Netflix. Mere LOU ke chakkar mein, unke LOUde lag gaye. Don’t you have any integrity? At least I ensured that everyone involved on my side of the fraud had flown out of the country and could not be traced!

And what did you do all this for? Money? It’s barely even a real thing, just a few SWIFT messaging codes. All it would have taken for the loan to go away was another loan, so I could pay off your previous one. As it turns out, diamonds are forever, but credit is not.

Money, dear PNB, is not everything. There is so much more to life. Have you not seen ZNMD? Trust you to make everything about money.  I’m sick of this talk of money. You want more money, so do 25 other banks. Even Priyanka Chopra wants more money. Suddenly, people I have never met in my life also claim I stole their money. This has become a #MeToo movement of the financial world, and I have become its first casualty. All triggered by you, PNB. You have managed to destroy my brand faster than Salman Khan managed to destroy Vivek Oberoi’s acting career.

Now that we’ve parted ways, I can see you’ve already set your claim over half of my assets. Go ahead, PNB, break my heart, but remember that I will always LOU you.

Yours Heartbroken,

Nirav Modi

Inside the Mind of Sanjay Leela Bhansali

Sigh. It’s been a rough few months.

My good friend, Arnab Goswami who watched Padmavati (or Padmavat, even I can’t keep track of the names anymore) even before the censor board, played a clip on his channel. In it, a man announced a bounty of ₹1 crore for anyone who burnt Deepika alive. Then the next guy came in and announced ₹5 crore for anyone who beheaded me and Deepika. The next guy upped the bid to ₹10 crore. It was like watching ISIS have an IPL auction. I was shocked beyond belief. Is that all my life is worth?! Jesus fucking Christ, the economy has indeed dipped over the past few quarters, but this is low!

I still had it better than poor Shahid. After being ignored by the audience and award shows for his brilliant performances, Shahid Kapoor is now also being ignored by fringe groups issuing death threats. Nothing this man does is ever going to be enough, is it?

The producers have been quite supportive of me in the media but I can sense their passive aggressiveness in WhatsApp chats. “Why do you always have to create controversy, Sanjay! Every movie you make — Ram-Leela, Jodhaa Akbar, Bajirao Mastani, now Padmavati!” I was like, “I didn’t even make Jodhaa Akbar, that was Ashu,” but they don’t care. One expensive filmmaker to them is like the other.

At times, I wonder what I could have done differently? I thought I had this figured out when I released that video after being “inspired” by Karan Johar. I mean, let’s face it, his was a bigger crime. He cast a Pakistani actor in his movie. Not only have I not done that, I went further and showed a foreign Islamic ruler as a savage villain, when in fact he is not! I also cleared out the rumours around the dream sequences. To tell you the truth, ever since the controversy started, even I don’t get any dream sequences when I sleep. Maybe the video didn’t work out because I didn’t wear a black shirt against a pitch-black background. Karan is right, black makes you look thin.

People say I distorted history when I made Bajirao Mastani, they have again said I have distorted history with Padmavati. This brings back nightmares from school, when I always flunked history. To all young students who think, “When will quadratic equations ever help me in life?”, well, you never know. For the first time, I had to work with more historians and researchers than lamp-makers and interior designers.

I must let everyone know that I have nothing against the Karni Sena. Mostly because if I do, my life could be in trouble. If they want to protect the honour of women by issuing threats to other women, it is totally their call. What can I say, even I was slapped and roughed up some time back. The last time I felt so bad was when I was tracking the collection for Saawariya.

After these intense few weeks, I am fed up of this nonsense. I must have given more explanations than the people who carried out demonetisation. People outraging over it had not even seen the film, but wanted me beheaded. Everyone wanted a free private screening. Film hai ya One Plus ka invite?

I really should take some time off after this to make more meaningful cinema, where cars fly around, the hero beats up 50 people to pulp with his bare hands, there is an item song and sexist joke every three minutes. Making a historical movie in India is a lot like being James Franco in 127 Hours. You start thinking it’s going to be epic, but then disaster strikes… And you’re all alone, as you hopelessly wait for someone to rescue you.